What You Should Know about Gaslighting in Relationships

6 min readMay 27, 2021

You are out of your mind. That’s not true!

You are really insisting that it happened. You are always making things up.

You better shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about.

These are the common phrases that resonate when people encounter gaslighting in relationships.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that causes alteration to someone’s sanity. This is usually seen in abusive relationships.

For others, this is convincing someone that they are wrong about what they see and hear even if they are not. Generally, it appears as though you are contradicting someone or declining to tune into their perspective.

Many of us are to blame for some gentle type of gaslighting — refusing to hear what our partner needs to say regardless of whether they’re morally justified or tirelessly differing over some minor objection.

It’s, for the most part, harmless. A type of negligibility. A reluctance to be refuted.

Whether this is done intentionally or not, gaslighting will always be a form of manipulation. This has developed from repeated exploitation of a person to their romantic partner and other people.

So, what does it mean when someone is gaslighting you?

Frequent Signs of Gaslighting

One of the primary concerns of most psychologists about gaslighting is that it leads to severe mental health issues once it isn’t resolved by the person experiencing it.

According to Dr. Robin Stern, author of the book “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” these are the warning signs to look out for:

done feeling like the individual you used to be
being more restless and less sure than you used to be
frequently contemplating whether you’re, in effect, excessively delicate
feeling like all that you do isn’t right
continually believing it’s your flaw when things turn out badly
saying ‘sorry’ frequently
having a feeling that something’s wrong, but not being able to recognize what it is
frequently addressing whether your reaction to your partner is suitable (e.g., contemplating whether you are excessively outlandish or not adoring enough)
rationalizing your partner’s conduct
keeping information from companions or relatives to avoid talking about your partner
feeling disconnected from loved ones
discovering it progressively difficult to decide
feeling sad and taking practically zero joy in activities you used to appreciate

Types of Gaslighting

Trivializing. They never perceive your feelings nor your sentiments. They effectively blame you for the circumstances.
Countering. They question your memory, change the subtleties of the situation, or, more awfully, deny the real happenings. More often than not, they blame you for what occurred.
Withholding. They dismiss you for discussing something that irritates you or maligns you for confounding them about reality.
Diversion. They never permit you to discuss their conduct and change the subject. Once in a while, they turn it back to you so that it looks like you are just making up the whole story.
Forgetting or Denying. They negate or disclose to you something that never happened when you attempt to raise something that they mentioned.
Discrediting. They hint to other people that you are making up stories, getting befuddled about things, and not recalling insights regarding certain happenings.

How to Avoid It

Prove that it’s gaslighting

One of the undeniable facts about gaslighting behavior is that it is not easily recognizable. This sometimes starts with petty arguments and other situations that may seem normal.

Real gaslighting is when you constantly doubt yourself and base your version of reality with that of others’.

Now, when someone provides you with a different opinion about something, they don’t necessarily gaslight you, even if they do it in a rude way.

Always keep in mind that when you consider someone is attempting to gaslight you, you need to take hold of your emotions and sentiments, not just their conduct.

Detach yourself from the situation

No one has the right to invalidate the emotions that keep taunting you, especially when you are dealing with a mental health dilemma.

The feelings of hatred, grudge, doubt, worry, and paranoia are completely reasonable, but never allow them to cloud your judgment and decision when facing the predicament.

Allow yourself to breathe and free your mind from negativity.

Gather proof of manipulation

In a courtroom, a lawyer wins a case because of the statements of witnesses and the facts behind the presented pieces of evidence.

So having interactions with anyone who tries to manipulate you can help you focus on what’s really happening. In this case, the moment they deny a single detail about something, you can look back and fact-check it yourself.

Below are some of the methods of documentation:

Save a screenshot of the conversation. Both text and email.
Capture some photos of property destruction.
Jot down important dates and times of conversation.
Write a summary of your conversation. The more direct quotations, the better.
Record conversations. This may be restricted by the law, but you can let someone listen and inform them about the situation.

Spend time talking about the behavior

This emotional manipulation happens because it confuses you and you start to lose your confidence. If the conduct doesn’t affect you at all, however, the person trying to gaslight you may start thinking that what they are doing isn’t worth the battle.

Aside from attacking your own sanity, gaslighting also comes with criticism and insults, eventually making it more of a toxic relationship. Confronting people — courteously and placidly — illustrates resistance towards the behavior.

Don’t hesitate to speak your mind. The moment you let people be aware of the situation gives them reasons to give you space.

Build confidence in your version of events

At this point when you get some information about what they can reminisce about one event, they may have an alternate story. Furthermore, sooner or later, you wonder, “What if that’s what really happened?”

In any case, don’t yield to the possibility that prompts questioning yourself. Keep in mind, they mean to scrutinize your reality.

The conviction you have for recollecting what truly happened requires serenity of the mind and self-assurance. You may show them any evidence that would permit them to find a progression of occasions. In any case, this might not have an effect.

In the event that they continue to test the believability of your story, never engage in conflict. Tossing contention doesn’t end well for you, and it might put more pressure on you and make you more vulnerable to manipulation instead.

Decline to engage in contention and you will maintain command over the circumstances.

Concentrate on self-care and involve significant people

Managing your wellbeing and sentiments will probably do nothing to clearly address the gaslighting, but self-care can have an impact by improving your point of view for a healthy relationship.

Being stressed over gaslighting can possibly influence all aspects of your life, particularly those that are significant and give you joy. Then again, try to give yourself time to unwind and prosperity will improve your physical and enthusiastic health.

It absolutely helps you with being more grounded and fit to confront the impediments in your regular presence.

Take time to invest energy in your companions and engage in activities that every one of you will enjoy.

As such, you have the option to redirect negativity to productivity. You likewise acquire moral help from individuals you trust.

Free Yourself from Manipulation

At the point when you concede to someone you love the most, you never consider being controlled physically and emotionally. The foundation of your relationship is the affection and reverence both of you feel for each other.

Unfortunately, it isn’t always that individuals experience all the significance that affection brings.

So in the event that you are one of the individuals who is partnered with someone who genuinely controls and removes you from your reality, dare to cut the connection yourself.

Try not to be distracted by what your partner has caused you. At this time, you need not bother with love to change the circumstance; all things considered, you need an opportunity to improve yourself and recover from what has been lost.

Now and again, being self centered prompts figuring out how to heal from a toxic relationship.